May 22, 2020
I’m sure there has been someone through the course of history who has died as a result of bananas. Or at least one banana. Like, there must be one person who has slid on a banana peel, fallen awkwardly, broken their hip, become immobilized, and kicked the proverbial bucket. In fact, I’ll bet there’s someone who has died from kicking a bucket, but that’s another hunk of baloney.
Times have changed since watching Charlie Chaplin bust his ass on a stray peel to some twinkling ragtime music. I think farts eventually usurped banana peel slipping for the quick, cheap laugh, which is fine because farts are funny.
It’s called evolution.
Anyway, back to bananas. It’s possible that the reason for this shift in comedy culture could be because the last person who landed a hip cracking jackknife to the sidewalk took Chiquita to court so now there’s a small yellow sandwich board with a silhouetted airborne dude on it placed in front of every banana peel that makes its way onto the ground warning passers-by to proceed with caution.
Who fucking knows?
There’s a Cannabis strain called Banana Peel that I slipped into a couch coma from.
But forget what’s on the outside because it’s really what’s inside of that peel that is the real danger. You see, now that we have the technology to break nature down into science, it has been confirmed that bananas are high in potassium. And potassium carries radiation! So, that means, quite frankly, if you eat too many you could begin to glow.
Just what we needed, right? One more thing to survive.
By the way, I eat three bananas a day with my morning Acai bowl. But I don’t think it’ll kill me. Because I’ve never seen a monkey glow.
Death by banana is bunch of bullshit. Get it?