May 8, 2020
You plumberjacks better enjoy this short phenomenon while it lasts because shockingly, right now if you resemble the walrus in Fantasia who gobbles up helpless baby oysters and you have a beard, women can potentially find you sexy. And that shit hasn’t happened since…well, it’s never happened.
Maybe that’s not accurate. I mean, the Vikings were beardacious, but I’m pretty sure they lived off pollock and mead, which was a lot leaner than your modern equivalent; the triple bypass burger irrigated with a rack of PBRs.
The Rotund Look hasn’t been in vogue since the Baroque period when girth was a sign of wealth and status. And that’s because there was such a huge class dichotomy that having curves validated your leisurely life of aristocracy and that you weren’t toiling in the dirty fields surviving on cabbage soup.
So, for you Gen Z video game addicts who can’t spell the word metabolize, you might want to smoke fewer shitty pre-rolls, cut down the hours on the controller, and pull your quarantined ass out the door by the elastic waistband for a couple laps around the track. Because by the time you finally enter the dating scene at 28, this fad will have gone the way of the dinosaur, the Delorean and Resident Evil 6.
Guess what, you win the game, Ok? I present you with the distinguished title of Burger King and you may now take the hand of the fair lady, Dairy Queen.
Eventually, this bizarre trend will turn the corner and skinny, depressed, strung out grunge rocker looking fucks like me will once again have our day, only to become the recipient of your belly flopping ass beaching us onto the side of the pool.
Man, my buddy Davey Dabs is gonna pin me down and fart on my face for writing this.