Dec 6, 2019
Bring up anything to my friend Rachel the Ripper that has to do with people attempting to strategically advance a ball toward an advantageous area outlined by boundaries that will result in points on a scoreboard, no matter the context, and she’ll look at you with the same blank expression as Garfield the Cat. “Time is precious. Great moments are few. So why would you knowingly squander them on such a blatant distraction from what is real and important?”
Big sigh.
She’s right. Millionaires flexing their dominance by out-celebrating each other has about the same level of importance to our lives as the dramatic subplots in The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The bottom line is this--If you’re spending time watching with the hopes that it will make your life better, you’re really screwing up. Because observing fit people battling over a ball from the cushy living room sofa on a mundane Monday night gives new meaning to the term Lazy Boy.
So, why is it so important to vicariously act out our territorial need for competition through meaningless gladiator games?
Well, there’d be little else root for without sports. And singing shows, but that’s another subject.
Modernity has spoiled us to the point that this surplus of time (we allegedly enjoy) has allowed us the luxury that only royalty enjoyed hundreds of years ago, which is to sit and watch the toils of the less fortunate attempting to survive. Except now there is a price, which is volunteering this free time to the exposure of beer and pizza commercials. And Rachel the Ripper thinks that is pointless when you could be walking on a nice trail, reading a book, or cooking a meal. Or actually playing a sport.
If you must watch sports, however, Rachel the Ripper recommends you rip a bowl first and throughout. It makes it tolerable.
As well as her roommate Davey Dabs.