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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column


Apr 10, 2020

Davey Dabs brought home a movie and inserted it into his VHS player while we were all hanging out one afternoon. The picture was called Death Race 2000 where there is a competition in retiring people by taking them out in juiced up, retro-futurized race cars. Seeing that Davey Dabs was a Frogger champion in the 7th grade, it made sense that he would romanticize the idea of smushing ordinary people for points on a scoreboard.

Davey Dabs lives by one sound mantra, that his only true responsibility in life, like all animals, is to eat, mate and stay alive. “We have earned our position atop the food chain and I do not intend to disrespect our forefathers by wasting this luxury for which they strived so hard,” he proudly states. He’s very successful at the first. An utter failure at the second. And the third is a perilous, daily achievement by his own self-induced challenges.

We all care about Davey Dabs very much, but no woman wants to see him naked. We know he is secretly in love with Rachel the Ripper, but she views him like a brother. She has a boyfriend anyway, The Swashbuckling Shatterbrain Shane who fancies himself a gallant cavalier. He dabs a lot of shatter and is very good-looking, but not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. He uses words like “utmost”, “virtue”, and “farewell”.

Anyway, when the three took over a friend’s lease of a two-bedroom party house with the torn kitchen linoleum and 1940’s fashioned crown molding that was actually molding, there was a leftover seaweed sheet in one of the cupboards which Davey Dabs immediately fashioned into a joint with some homegrown mids grown by Rachel the Ripper. It was the first time he smoked a joint since he could remember. Mind you, Davey Dabs doesn’t remember much.

By the way, Davey Dabs carries a Get out Of Jail Free Card in his wallet. It’s a piece of insurance, he states, as a last resort.