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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

Sep 13, 2019

According to one of the world’s most highly revered modern thinkers, my buddy Davey Dabs, that is. It should be noted that he does not intend to live to the age of 40 and I personally don’t think it’s a bad way to size up life. I mean, at least he’s got a plan.

The man is a munchies machine and will pair anything with anything, a self-proclaimed panfoodial. He heard the term pansexual and came up with that. While most people aren’t smarter than a 5th grader (a fact Davey Dabs concluded from his favorite tv show re-runs), at least they learn that the food pyramid is an essential template from which to gain a balanced, nutritious diet. Davey Dabs, however, believes in the inverted food pyramid. Which explains why he often deliberates on the soft distinctions of Upside-Down cake.

He never trusted a skinny chef, which is why he carries with him a high level of confidence when dining at Arby’s.

Davey Dabs can be a brat. He’ll ask an unsuspecting 16-year-old girl if she likes seafood and when the response is, “Yeah”, he opens his whopper filled mouth and blarts, “See food, Get it?” Belushi style. The poor youngster will recoil in shocked embarrassment and Davey Dabs will turn to you with a grandiose chipmunk smile, then open his orifice and proudly belch at a curdling volume. Suddenly, the foul odor of a decomposing beached whale carcass will add to your queasiness. His antics can be bizarre, but for some reason you still take his call.

Not always, though. You’ve got to be in the mood to hang out with Davey Dabs. Like, you’ll stare at the phone for a good 5 or 6 rings without answering, pretending you’re unavailable, hoping he’s not hiding somewhere where he can see you. When that ring tone of a jalopy horn rattles your sanity, you know there’s a profile photo of an imposing, multi-ethnic crazy man in a fuzzy dinosaur costume ready to get weird.

If Rocky Road were an ethnicity, it would be Davey Dabs. Anyway, I’ve seen him put it on steak.