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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column


Jun 25, 2024

Boy, do we take things for granted, or what? I mean, sure we could dedicate our precious moments toward considering the possibility of where we might be if these ant piles called cities weren’t constructed before our birth, but who the heck has time to reflect on the persistence of humanity and how it scratched its way to the top of the food chain when there’s malls to scope and Taco Bells to ring?

I know what you’re thinking, here we go again with a rant about the annoyances of a complacent civilization. But it’s just that if we don’t wake up and smell the couch pillow, shit’s gonna get outta hand and we’re going to be running from T-Rexes.

At the new Jurassic Park in Texas.

Where were we? Oh yes, running from ravenous, razor-toothed sprinters with a preference for anything stoned and lazy that smells like refried beans. And I can promise you that there were many a hairier poor dude back in the day who ended up a delicious buffet for wild beasts who didn’t give a shit about him missing his orthodontics appointment. And you can rest assured that the main factor that kept those far more il-equipped savages taking risks by venturing beyond the safety of their comfortable cave was to create a better future for their lineage so that those offspring could have easy access to packets of fire sauce.

So, please keep in mind that the food that arrives on your doorstep hot and delicious with fresh ingredients is not something you truly have license to throw a tantrum about because it came three minutes late. When your sense of entitlement proves that over population is the biggest risk to our mental and physical ability to continue comfortably as a species, try to remember that if it weren’t for systems put into place for your protection, not only would you be speaking German and eating Schnitzel for breakfast, but you might be breakfast.

Or you could be sent to live in Texas.