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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column


Mar 27, 2023

I love popcorn.

I don’t care how the hell you serve it up--popcorn is one of my favorite foods. And I know I am not alone in this obsession. Because whether your weakness is tasty food or the Family Feud, there’s not a person on this planet who is exempt from some level of addiction.

Popcorn is for me—shitty television shows are for others.

This brings me to cop porn. Or, in other words, how the glorification of law enforcement is characterized through the controlled narrative of the visual arts.

This depiction is highly inaccurate. Because, in my opinion, cops are not heroes. They are state employees providing a service for which tax dollars are compensating them. And if we are expected to regale them in some way because their tasks are of high risk, then why the fuck don’t we have more shows glorifying window washers, coal miners, and sex workers?

Let’s be real; most people feel their lives are lacking validation. Being an officer of the law is an exciting profession that comes with public adulation. And without a shiny shield pinned to their lapel, they would just be another laborer without a college education.

So, when Hollywood depicts them as defenders of our moral constitution while they break laws in the name of justice to catch the bad guys, we are manipulated by an inaccurate personification that portrays their intentions as pure. This creates a modem of empathy for the viewers, intended to convince us that their goal is to protect the innocent from danger.

Stoners don’t want to be cops because you’ve gotta be mean to people.

And you’re not allowed to smoke weed.

Which leads to popcorn.

And pot porn.