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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column

May 29, 2020

Walking toward the car with a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head, I was momentarily overcome with that strange instinctual sense that a playful baby hippopotamus might be wandering nearby. And just as the attention returned to focus, the right foot planted into a warm pile of freshly birthed dog doo that sent my...

May 22, 2020

I’m sure there has been someone through the course of history who has died as a result of bananas. Or at least one banana. Like, there must be one person who has slid on a banana peel, fallen awkwardly, broken their hip, become immobilized, and kicked the proverbial bucket. In fact, I’ll bet there’s someone who...

May 15, 2020

Wow, was 4/20 this year a bust, or what? I mean, Marvel’s Black Widow being bumped for a later release was disappointing, but this takes the meaning of anticlimactic to a new level.

Yay, live streaming is so much fun! Not.

I mean, we really could’ve used a quick hit of morale for our annoyingly short attention spans...

May 8, 2020

You plumberjacks better enjoy this short phenomenon while it lasts because shockingly, right now if you resemble the walrus in Fantasia who gobbles up helpless baby oysters and you have a beard, women can potentially find you sexy. And that shit hasn’t happened since…well, it’s never happened.

Maybe that’s not...

May 1, 2020

It was the hot dab that did me in.

Thank you, my airheaded, rookie administrator, for enlightening me to what the inside of a barrel of a flame thrower is like when delivering a mechanical dragon’s demonstration of unbridled fury.

And just when I managed to inhale something that resembled actual air, the entire...