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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column


Sep 19, 2022

Dragon ass should not be confused with dragging ass. Dragging ass is something we all do when our energy is low, especially in the moments upon waking before the requisite black brewed stimulant sparks the body’s motor that consumes fuel and burps exhaust. 

We all know that feeling of lethargy. For so many of us, the first thirty minutes of the day is like boot camp. And if you happen to find yourself in a bizarre situation where that previously mentioned human gasoline called coffee is not available, motivating your brain toward a direction of productivity is like tugging cement through water. You are a recoil starter on the lawn mower with an empty tank. Regardless of how many times you tug on that sucker, the engine ain’t turning over until it gets some gas. 

It's not dissimilar for stoners, you know. Different kind of gas, of course.

Anyway, dragon ass is something completely separate. Although they have been known to be unapologetically lazy when perched atop their spoils of plunder enjoying a good snore. At least that’s what we learned from the Lord of the Rings. That they’re kinda like cats when the belly is full, and the comfort is spa-day level. They will aimlessly drift into a back nap with the loins exposed-- dreaming colorful fantasies of torching small village rooftops while blissfully unaware of the dribble of drool leaking through the muzzle’s lower incisors. 

But then the interruption can be so very abrupt when the scent of hairy feet fouls the nostrils, alarming the defenses of little pint-sized thieves called Hobbitses. And nothing pisses a dragon off more than getting his favorite hood ornament jacked from his booty. So, with a burst of smoke and a toss of the tail, he boldly rises with awesome drama, and devours him in one swallow. 

And then he sniffs for a mate. Preferably one with a nice booty.