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Stoney Baloney | A Narrated Cannabis Column


May 31, 2019

Leaving Las Vegas is like coming down off cocaine. It sucks. Well, probably because you are coming down off cocaine. Because there’s nothing fun about returning to your mild-mannered desk job after getting a taste of what it’s like to be a rock star. In fact, no one ever said, “Thank God that’s over, now I get to go back to my accounting firm.” Ok, maybe someone did say that. Like, an accountant who unexpectedly got fast tracked into a frenzied bacchanal. And it scared him. Because no one should paddle into Bonzai Pipeline if they haven’t first learned how to steer a boogie board.

Is there anything more punishing than the reality bite of seeing that skyline shrink in the distance through the small airplane window? It’s as if you’ve just had a chunk of your soul grizzled out by a werewolf, but the exciting myth that you’ll morph into one with the next full moon to devour fleshy tourists gorged on gargantuan buffets and Yardaritas is all a farce. In fact, you’re only going to die a slow, excruciating death from the bite. For the next 2 days, at least, until the liver filters out the poison.

Of course, it might be different if you’re headed back to normalcy with bulging pockets after crushing it at the tables, but that’s never happened to me. Or anyone I know. Well, that’s not exactly accurate. I have friends who have won money in Vegas, but they generally won’t include an excel spread sheet detailing the losses incurred leading up to those rare moments of dopamine filled glory. And it is those losses that keep the casino lights on, the air cool, and the carpet confusing.

But if gambling is the driving force of Vegas’ success, I wonder what affect cannabis will have on Sin City now that it’s been legalized. Because embarking on a strip search for the Great Pyramid, the Eiffel Tower and the Big Apple can be a dangerous lure with a belly full of Redbull and vodka, but a head full of Super Lemon Haze can create a completely different course for a city built on bad decisions.

Can Cannabis kill Vegas?